Life’s Value

Have you ever had a goal that you so desperately dreamed of achieving, yet the closer you got to that goal it began to seem impossible? Somehow your body, life situation, or others around you seemed to be giving up or not supporting your goal that made achieving this goal seem much more difficult?

My ultimate goal for high school was to speak at graduation, so my grades were one of the most important deciding factors as to whether I could achieve that goal or not. At the end of every quarter, I remember feeling high levels of stress about whether I was going to make an “A” in each of my classes or not. My mind felt like it was stretched to its limits. I was stressed beyond stressed (which is not something new for me and my life). Somehow, miracles (they were definite miracles) happened and I was still on track to achieve my goal. However, when the stress levels and uncertainty would rise, I never even considered giving up. Giving up was just… not an option. Because I never gave up, I gave myself the chance to make it. And I made it.

This theme of never giving up has continued throughout my life, and it has always turned out for the better. When the struggles seem insurmountable and the world feels like it’s crushing me, I always try to keep in mind that everything always works out. Every single dark night will be lightened by the sun. It may not work out how I want or hope, but the sun will rise and the darkness will be replaced by light. This light often shows growth. We’re enlightened to the world around us and we can then see what was once out of our reach. We are able to see the bigger picture. So it is with the light (and understanding) that comes when we choose to not give up.

In my life, I’ve often faced difficulties that were more than just stress (just like the rest of you reading this have). I’ve faced many difficulties with depression and anxiety as well as trying to be there for others going through these and many other mental health battles. It can feel impossible to understand unless you’ve been there personally. I struggled to understand a roommate my freshman year of college and the actions that she took that ultimately ended her life until I was serving as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was then that I began to understand her a little better because I was going through similar struggles. And I continue to go through them.

I know God’s plan for me is ultimately for my growth and progression to be able to think and understand like He does. I feel strongly that my mental health battles will continue to come and go throughout my life. It’s difficult to be grateful for them in the moment, but in the end I’m always grateful for the struggle because I know they are ultimately for my progression.

Shortly after my roommates passing, I wondered why they (they as in whoever provide help for those going through mental health battles) didn’t have any help for those who were struggling with the ripple effects of suicide. I had tried writing a research paper on the help that is offered for those who have had a loved one take their life; I ended up changing my paper because I struggled to find anything on the topic. How can we spot the “signs”? How can we really help someone who has no hope? What can I do to be a support system to those who are struggling? What are their needs and why can’t I help their struggles to go away? I wanted a “fix-it” solution because I had no idea who else might be around me today and might be gone tomorrow because they chose to end their life.

Since struggling through depression, suicidal thinking and a lack of self-esteem personally, I’ve come to realize that first and foremost, I don’t want to be fixed. No one wants to be “fixed” in whatever struggle they are going through- in the sense that they become your project. I certainly don’t want pity for my trials either. However, I know that what I want and need is unique to me and my perspective in life. So for someone to come out and say that these are the solutions to notice the signs, or this is what you should do to meet their needs, or even these are the best ways to support those who are struggling wouldn’t be appropriate, accurate, nor possible.

For me, I appreciate people owning that they cannot truly understand where I’m at, just like I can’t truly understand where they are at. I appreciate those who are in my intimate support system, as well as those who aren’t but who are kind and loving to those around them. I also appreciate those who will listen to me and be present without judgement or advice. I can’t list everything that has helped me in my darkest days because there’s no way I can remember it all. Additionally, I’m a changing person and what has helped me in the past won’t always help me in the future, so to list everything as “these are the things that could help me” wouldn’t be beneficial nor realistic.

So why am I even writing anything then? Because the one thing that I’ve learned about myself and I think is worth sharing and encouraging others with is my “one thing”. I’m going to come to my one thing, but first, I want to share my story of where that one thing came about.

This past semester I had the greatest opportunity to take a “Communication and Conflict” (Com and Conflict) class. In this class, we had the opportunity to do what is called a Clearness Committee: an idea taken from A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life by Parker J. Palmer. Clearness Committees involve a group of people who are given the chance to meet for multiple solid two hour blocks and focus on one person (a focus person) each time to help them with their personal conflict. No advice is given, no personal experience is given, none of your thoughts are even asked for nor appropriate to express. You help the focus person ONLY through asking open and honest questions. (Opening meaning questions requiring more than a yes or no and honest meaning questions that are genuine, sincere and you honestly don’t know or try to guess the answer rather the answer is for the focus persons to better understand their conflict). After those two hours, you have the confidence of double confidentiality meaning unless you bring up the committee session about yourself, no one will ever bring up anything you said to you or anyone else after your two-hour committee has ended.

When I was the focus person in my committee, I had come in feeling conflicted with what direction to take regarding someone who had really hurt me but I still loved and cared for. I wanted to find more understanding on this outward situation, but of course, like our Com and Conflict teacher, Clair Canfield, always said, “conflict comes from within”. So I ended up learning a lot about myself and how I was viewing my situation, and ultimately about my world, from within, as to help me know how to better go through life. It was in this committee that I was asked, “what do you value about yourself?”. I took me a solid three to five minutes to realize that the “one thing” I could confidently say that I valued in myself was that I won’t ever give up.

Whatever happens, I will not give up. In saying that, I was talking about giving up on my life, but I’m pretty hard-headed and stubborn so there are many things that I also won’t give up (hehe (: ). But my life has value, whether I can see it at times or not, and to give up on my life would have a ripple effect on many other’s lives. I saw this with my roommate and I believe that this instilled in me the drive to never give up. Wherever I truly got my one thing from, it was God-sent.

In the past year, I’ve watch two movies that rubbed me wrong because of my belief and passion for my one thing. They are similar stories of men who went through tremendous trials and due to these trials, they wanted to die. As I watched them, my heart ached because I also believe that our trials are not only given for us, but for the benefit of helping others to grow or at least to inspire them on their journey of growth. No matter what circumstance we may be in, we still have the capacity to impact others.

The first man choose to end his life but had had a life-changing impact on the woman who helped him in his last few months of life (not to forget his family). The second man’s name was Robin Cavendish, who became paralyzed from polio while his wife was pregnant with their son. He wanted to die because that’s what ultimately would happen (typically within less than a year) to many people who were disabled and lived before the mid-1900s. He ended up living for over 30 additional years and was a huge advocate for people with disabilities. Additionally, he helped in the innovation/accessibility of wheelchairs among other medical instruments for the disabled.

That first reference was from the movie Me Before You and that second one was from the movie, produced by Robin’s son John, called Breathe. While we can’t always know what kind of impact our life does have on others (or might have had like in the movie It’s A Wonderful Life), it does have an impact. Our impact is more clearly seen looking to our past, but we often can’t see or comprehend the full extent that we do have.

Another huge inspiration that I recall from my youth was Meg Johnson. She decided, after accidentally jumping off a 40-ft cliff that left her a quadriplegic, that she was still in control of her attitude and destiny. I honestly cannot even comprehend how much effort and work it would take to get to that point after such a life-altering accident, but it was a reminder to me that if Meg could choose to smile, I could choose to smile too and not give up in my battle to search out happiness.

Before I wrap up this post, I want to share one last inspiration that gives me strength to never give up. His name is Moroni. Yes, a prophet from the Book of Mormon! I recently realized how relatable to my experience this hero is to me. Soon after all of Moroni’s family was killed in war he wrote saying that he was alone and that it mattered not where he went. He then went on to describe the war as “the whole face of this land is one continual round of murder and bloodshed; and no one knoweth the end of the war” and “how long the Lord will suffer that I may live I know not” (Mormon 8:8, 5).

I’m not suggesting that Moroni was depressed (I have no idea, but I’m sure like most people he did he experienced it to a degree at some point), but I am saying that what Moroni wrote of his experience is how I have felt and I know many others have felt in the midst of depression, low self-esteem, suicidal thinking, and among other mental health battles. It feels like it doesn’t matter what happens in life now or that you don’t know when the next wave of mental battles is going to pass.

However, if Moroni’s life ended there, the Book of Mormon would have lost some of the most important chapters including Mormon 9 (which brings a greater understanding of miracles and tender mercies of the Lord); power-packed chapters on faith in Christ found in Ether 2-3, 12, and Moroni 7; Moroni 7 which also includes the links between faith to hope and charity; Moroni 8 which brings SO much hope to families who have lost children; and Moroni 10 which helps us to better understand the gifts of the Holy Ghost (who is the revelator, comforter, and daily personal guide) and how we can become whole through Christ.

The bottom line and whole purpose of me sharing part of my life story is that I hope others will also choose to never give up. It’s difficult to see how your life makes an impact on others. Most of the time, it’s probably not something grand or life-changing, rather it’s the little consistent things that help others on their journey to grow and progress. I don’t have a fix-all solution to your struggles or someone else’s struggles, but I (like you who is reading this), we can strive to be there for others while understanding that we can’t completely understand where they are actually at. But no matter what the struggles are, we can listen and being present for others in their struggles (and I might add, especially for their successes as well).

You, the one who is reading this, yes, you! You DO have value. You have made an impact in the lives of others. Although, just like it took me learning my “one thing” that I could know personally that gave me value and realizing where I’ve made impacts on others in my past, I recognize that me saying that doesn’t do anything for anyone. But I hope that my story can help you in coming to the realization as to what “one thing” YOU can hold on to and that speaks to you. You might already know it, it might take you months to find, or perhaps years, but what’s your “one thing” and what has it done for you? And what can it do for you now?